Thursday, 19 April 2012


I have to restart.
I picked off all the dead skin from all over my face and popped anything that was poppable.


Why do I do this to myself?


Tuesday, 10 April 2012

DAY SEVENTEEN: seems like I've just begun the caveman

Hi folks,

So last night I went to bed with nothing on. My forehead, nose and chin were covered in a layer of oil on top of the really dry tight skin. So it was scattered blobs of oil seeping through the dry cracks. Upon waking up these areas were still oily. I am not blotting them because my skin needs to learn to balance itself by itself; and I'm sure my really dry skin needs all the oil it can get to repair itself.

Reading other caveman-er's posts, it seems as though what I'm experiencing now was the first few days of their caveman. So perhaps because my skin was so dry to begin with, having a problem with dandruff, and then breaking the rules with water, perhaps I officially have just begun the caveman. Hmmph. It's been over two weeks! :(

Anyways, because my skin is so dry I don't think I will wash it with water tomorrow. I'm worried about my skin getting bacteria again though. The dandruff wasn't pleasant. I am not sweating though, I haven't yesterday and the day before.

I read somewhere that if you wear make up while working out then the makeup will trap the toxins that your sweat is releasing on the skin, which isn't good. I say this because maybe sweating with the dry skin mask might be keeping in the toxins, which could lead to an infection? Maybe? If I have any readers, please comment on this! What do you think? Could leaving sweat on an open wound (my dry skin) cause an infection?

I'm also wondering: if I don't remove the dead skin mask after a month, will it fall off on its own? Like a scab?

AND will leaving oil on your face cause bacteria to grow? I'm no biologist! I have no idea about these things!

Please comment!

I have to find something to keep me busy. Something to make the days fly by. Because the less time I have on my hands the less time I'll be looking at my face and waiting for the days to drag by just as you'd wait for the last five minutes of class to tick by on the clock. I'm starting to think that I won't even look in the mirror for a week. But I'm worried because I don't want to have someone on my face or in my teeth when I go out. And that also would mean I don't get to wear makeup to cover up the big red zits I have or to add a bit of life to my face. Hmm. This is difficult. I'd have to ask someone to tell me if anything is on my face or in my teeth -- and what about doing my hair!

Speaking of that, it so hard to wash my hair without getting my face at least damp from the humidity in the shower. The humidity makes my skin just as dry as the water would. This is frustrating.

I have an idea. I'll run a bath and lean back into the water and wash it that way. YEAH! I'll try that.

So what I am going to do:
  • Bath instead of shower to keep face completely dry
  • No looking in the mirror unless I am getting ready to go out and even then I must be at least 2 meters away from the mirror (at this distance I can't see my dead dry skin or my pores)
The not looking in mirror rules means I probably will cut out an hour or two a day of staring in the mirror...

Alright. Good. I won't be posting for a week as well. These posts are becoming quite boring, obsessive, and fickle. Whatever happens until next Tuesday I can tell you then.

Have a good one.


Monday, 9 April 2012

DAY SIXTEEN: what's up

Hey everyone,

So as you may have read I was patch testing Urea and Aloe Vera on my face to treat my full face chemical burn (this is my own diagnosis). Today I woke up and my face was no longer burning at all anywhere. Also throughout the day the burning has not come back. My face is still tight, but it is not cracking or flaky or red. It seems as though there was no real difference between applying the Urea and Aloe Vera -- I'm thinking maybe they had no effect at all?

I have been "itching" at zits a lot more; it seems as though my mind still doesn't think it is as bad as popping. But the itching is happening more and more and I am drawing blood and probably spreading bacteria. So I can't itch anymore. Nothing. Nada. Let's see if I can do it until Friday (when I get my weekly reward). I am now going to categorise itching in the same category as popping, and if I itch anymore I will have to restart my week of no picking; pushing my reward a week further! Let's hope I can do it. I am determined. I really want new runners (this week's reward); I haven't gotten a new pair of runners in years!

Tonight, if the burning sensation comes back or if there is any itching or irritation, I am going to apply Aloe Vera on one side of my face and Urea on the other; just to continue my experiment -- why not. But if my face is irritation free I will be going to bed with nothing on.

Although my skin is is covered in sandpaper clogged pores (I also still have a dozen big zits on my cheeks), my skin looks and feels a bit healthier and stable as opposed to yesterday and back in the days when I was using prescribed creams. Right now I'm not so much worried about the acne as I am about my skin's elasticity and dryness. Once those are level then I will be focusing more on the zits. I can't do anything about the zits until then without masking the problem of the dry, burning skin anyways!

So no picking -- absolutely NO exceptions -- and hopefully the burning does not come back. Cross your fingers for me!

Have a good one.


DAY SEVENTEEN: I think I have dermatitis

Hi folks,

Today I did not go to the gym because it was closed for Easter and I did not rinse my face because of the new rule I implemented in my DAY FIFTEEN post. The result is that my face started to burn in the afternoon and has not subsided. I did not apply anything to it because well every time I do it really only helps with the burning temporarily and in the long run makes my skin dryer. So I have just been trooping it out today; my skin is tight, hot to the touch, rosy, scaly, and has a slight bearable burning sensation -- like a sunburn.

Although I have been trooping it out, I don't want to go on like this. So I finally came to terms with myself that I am dealing with a burn on my face: I mean it is showing all signs of a burn. I googled a whole bunch of stuff on burns and their treatments and (I know I change my theory of my skin condition daily...) I'm almost certain that I have a chemical burn or allergic reaction from the years of applying the chemical lotions and such to my raw skin (raw skin is more susceptible to irritation -- see why this theory sounds so logical?!). And this theory is proven by the fact that my sweat infects it (think back to my sweat causing me dandruff, itchiness, and dryness on my face) as well as rinsing it daily is just drying out the burn even more (think of people with eczema, who are advised to limit their showers and keep the temperature as cold as possible because both of these things just aggravate it more and get in the way of the healing process).

I found some treatments for dermatitis. Of them there were: Hydrocortisone, Urea, antibiotics to prevent infection, and Aloe Vera. There were others, but these were the ones I looked into -- I didn't care for the other ones. Turns out Hydrocortisone is ridden with chemicals, so I scratched that off the list -- I was expecting that. Urea is usually prescribed in creams with Uric acid and Uric acid can burn the face even more depending on the burn and the individual. I also found out that some people just apply their urine to their burn (it has no cream or uric acid; I'm not sure on the latter). Aloe Vera, I have and have tried in the past, well only when my skin was itchy. And antibiotics I generally like to avoid.

What have I decided to do? This:
  • I'm giving Aloe Vera gel another shot, but I'm doing section tests. It is applied to the right side of my forehead, thinly. (I'd like to stress that because I always overdue my skincare. I usually would apply a thick mask of aloe, but now I'm kind of letting my skin breathe.)
  • And on the left side of my forehead I have patted some of my piss on. :O ... I drink a lot of water ... So it does not have any colour or scent to it :) 
  • Also I am not going to break a sweat for a bit and see how that goes. I'll still work out, but moderately. I just don't want any irritants!
If I wake up tomorrow and neither have worked I am going to make an appointment with my physician. She can at least give me some credible information. Maybe I'll take a couple's weeks worth of antibiotics to avoid the dandruff until my face has healed. Or maybe my Doc will say it's not a burn, who knows. I do know for sure that I am not applying any chemicals; Doc will have to work around that.

I'm really routing for the urine! I read a lot about it; urea is so good for the skin. Basically it reaches the bottom layer of the skin, the dermis, and promotes water-retension, healing, and cell production from the inside out! And it is so natural.

The only thing I'm not sure of is if by leaving piss on my face will bacteria grow? 

Anyways, off to bed. Cross your fingers for me!


Saturday, 7 April 2012

DAY FIFTEEN: DAY FIFTEEN: over-"cleansing" again; not feeling so great

Hi people,

If you read my old posts you know that I am/was OCD when it came to cleaning my skin. I would scrub it until it was raw and scabs would form. I will tell you why I'm reiterating this in a moment.

First off - skin status:
  • Really chapped
  • clogged pores all over my face
  • back chest and arms look like very nice skin, ignoring the random big pimples everywhere, but these are all healing and going away.
So since I over-ruled my rule that I could not let anything including water touch my face, I have been rinsing it once everyday in a luke-warm shower and becoming OCD about this step (counting how long, and compulsively adding time and little rubs). My skin is now very dry and irritated today. I can't do rinsing with water; however, the itchiness and "dandruff" are gone. 
My skin was less tight during the week of NOTHING touching my face. But, alas, if I don't rinse I will grow bacteria on my face (mostly because of sweating profusely at the gym) and once again have nasty dandruff all over it. So I must compromise. 
After doing some more research on other caveman-ers I've decided that I will rinse my face with COLD or room temperature BOTTLED water EVERY 3 DAYS. And I musn't overdue the rinse. Once over. Maybe twice over the dandruff-prone areas. And then fin.
Washing is like picking my face. It's so hard to stop myself, it's so hard to say "no", once I start there's no turning back...

Back to the plan: why I think it will work:
  • dandruff forming bacteria will not be able to fester on my face
  • bottled water will have no traces of chlorine, which may be drying out my skin in the shower
  • the slightly warm shower may be drying out my face as well; so room temp or colder water will probably help retain the little moisture I have in my skin.
  • Not rinsing my face everyday will let the oils have time to produce on my very dry skin.
IF MY SKIN IS STILL TIGHT AFTER A WEEK OF THIS NEW PLAN, I will rinse every five days or 7. Who knows. Whatever my skin wants. Right now it just wants to heal.

Having this new plan has given me back some hope with this regimen. Well this plan, but also asking the questions: do I want to go back to having to moisturise my face multiple times a day? Do I want to have to be OCD about my skin -- nothing can touch it and I mean NOTHING? Do I want to avoid pools and the ocean and rainy days because they make my skin chapped? DO I WANT TO BE A SLAVE TO MY SKIN? DO I WANT TO FEEL DEPRESSED EVERY TIME I SEE MY SKIN IN THE MIRROR? DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY POSSIBLY, FINALLY?

NO NO NO NO NO AND YES to the last one :)

I've realised that the caveman regimen might take months to a year for me because I've inflicted so much damage upon it. One big doubt monster I have lurking in my mind is: "you've ruined your skin's collagen and elasticity; it will never normalise; you have brought ageing upon your skin at 21; it is only downhill from here". 

I can only hope for the best. Plus I'd rather give the caveman a try for a year so at least I can say I've tried EVERYTHING before signing my life away to skincare products and dry flaky pimply skin.

That's the positivity in me speaking. It's oh so fucking hard to keep that voice talking.

That's the first time I swore in my posts. I was trying to not out of respect for my viewers. But, I have no viewers. So I don't care anymore. I don't care about my sentence structure either. Or grammar. Nobody is reading this. So I've stopped editing... a while ago.


I also picked/scratched my zits today. It started an hour ago. I was bored and tired and stressed. I sat in front of a mirror in agony wanting to pop this big zit on my cheek but constantly stopping myself. I ended up compromising with myself. Talking myself into letting myself just gently scratch some blackheads off. I did this to multiple sections on my face. They are really irritated now. 3 times I tried to get myself to leave the bathroom. The 4th time I did because I knew popping zits would start very shortly after I had scratched everything I fancied to scratch off. Popping gives me scars and a bunch of zits a week later.

Anyways, I started setting goals for myself. Every week I go without picking I'm going to reward myself with a gift I'd like. Nothing extravagant. Just something I know I'd like enough to make myself want to not pick so I can reward myself with it. An example is a spa back massage :O (I guess this one is extravagant -- it'll be 8 weeks though! I deserve it :)  ). This ones the gift for week 8, the week I'm guessing that my bacne will be long gone (I don't want the massage or massage oils to irritate existing acne). Oh, I'm so excited! I've never had a professional massage!

Anywho, I'm not counting today's scratching against myself; I did get myself away from the mirror before I popped anything. I can't be too hard on myself. I am making progress. I will be stopping the scratching though. Because any touching does not make my skin any better. I have to remind myself that. 

I just scratched my collar bone. But in a way that was feeling for bumps (I wasn't itchy). Old habits die hard. I am so stressed out too.

Okay. I am stopping. I mean it.

My face is burning.

Oh! This isn't fun :(

I'll report back to you, Internet, the next time something happens. Which will probably be soon, Internet. If you have noticed the trend...


P.S. I haven't posted any pictures because my face hasn't changed. I will as soon as it does. HOPEFULLY FOR THE BETTER!! :P

P.P.S. I guess some people are reading this because someone copy and pasted my definition of the caveman regimen as their own a couple days ago! Hmm. Maybe I will write my future posts better. Maybe.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

DAY THIRTEEN: skin status and hope or lack there of

Hi people,

I'm not very happy today. I know it has barely been two weeks, but come on. My skin is not changing.

Skin status:
  • forehead: dry, tight, covered in clogged pores, feels like sandpaper. Sometimes I'll get an zit that's deep under the skin and they are painful. 
  • nose: same as forehead minus the occasional under skin zits.
  • cheeks, neck, and chin: soft, but still getting big gross zits occasionally and my pigmentation has not faded.
  • back, arms, and chest: rough skin and scattered clogged pores, big zits on arms and back.
I'm worried if my skin will ever be able to moisturise itself; I mean I have been drying it out and irritating it twice a day for 10 years. I'm worried that I'm going to have to rely on moisturisers to have some skin elasticity. Which also means I'll probably need a cleanser because of the moisturiser.

It's one thing to have acne, but it's another to have tight dry irritated skin all the time. It's impossible to wear makeup on dry irritated skin. It feels gross and it looks gross. So I don't like to go out very much.

My plan:
  • just keep at it.
  • rinse after workouts
  • yogurt if itchy
  • olive oil if unbearably dry
I'm going to give it until April 27th. If my skin has not improved by then then I'm going to be extremely depressed and hopeless. The day after I'll book an appointment with my god damn dermatologist, and probably have to go back to washing and moisturising day and night to have the closest to normal skin as my skin will allow. 

I am so choked. Please, oh please, work.


Wednesday, 4 April 2012

DAY TWELVE: the itchiness is making me crazy

Hey everyone,

All the itchiness and dryness I'm referring to in this post is only majorly: in between my eyebrows and on the sides of my nose; to a lesser extent: most of my forehead and the rest of my nose.

My face. Is so. aisduhfasdiuhfsdiuahfa itchy!!!! I want to rip it off! It's so frustrating! So irritating! I'm not itching it, though. I put on some Aloe Vera at first (the bottled kind) because I read somewhere that it soothes itchiness and at first the itchiness subsided. But then, I guess when the aloe was drying, MY FACE WAS UNBEARABLY ITCHY! So I ran to the fridge and smacked on some yogurt (I should have used yogurt in the first place because it has already proven to work just fine...). Now I'm sitting here with the yogurt on my face. I didn't wash off the aloe beforehand and now my face has the slightest tingle of itchiness, but it's bearable. I know it's the aloe that's making it itchy now because yogurt has been a miracle cure for my itchiness the last two days.

So this is what I have been doing:

  • letting the shower water (lukewarm) run over my face after the gym--I will be doing this everyday after a work out because I don't want bacteria to build up
  • applying yogurt to skin when itchy
  • applying olive oil after itchiness subsides if the skin is still extremely flaky and dry

And everything was going fine. Especially today. Yesterday I woke up after the night of olive oil on my nose and forehead and they didn't have volcanic dry skin. Then today I woke up (no olive oil needed the night before) and my nose and forehead looked quite nice, no signs of dryness -- however, looking really close I saw it was still a bit dry and if I itched it it probably would have unleashed the flakiness. Anywho, throughout the day it just looked better and better. AND THEN after my shower today my skin was a bit tight, but I wasn't worried because yesterday after the shower my skin was a bit tight and then my natural oils calmed it down by bed time (I WAS IN AWE AND SO HAPPY). BUT TONIGHT that wasn't the case. My skin just kept getting drier and drier and then the itchiness came out of no where. The most intense and irritating itchiness I have ever felt, to my recollection.

Why am I so itchy? :(

I'm just going to continue to put yogurt on my nose and forehead whenever it gets itchy. Also I will be putting olive oil on it too if its extremely dry after the yogurt. No aloe. I don't want to be stuck in this yogurt and olive oil routine. I really hope the itchiness is finished plaguing me.

If anyone is reading this blog: why do you think my face is itchy? What do you do to rid yourself of dry itchy skin?

Have a good one.