DAY FIFTEEN: DAY FIFTEEN: over-"cleansing" again; not feeling so great

Hi people,

If you read my old posts you know that I am/was OCD when it came to cleaning my skin. I would scrub it until it was raw and scabs would form. I will tell you why I'm reiterating this in a moment.

First off - skin status:

• Really chapped
• clogged pores all over my face
• back chest and arms look like very nice skin, ignoring the random big pimples everywhere, but these are all healing and going away.

So since I over-ruled my rule that I could not let anything including water touch my face, I have been rinsing it once everyday in a luke-warm shower and becoming OCD about this step (counting how long, and compulsively adding time and little rubs). My skin is now very dry and irritated today. I can't do rinsing with water; however, the itchiness and "dandruff" are gone. 

My skin was less tight during the week of NOTHING touching my face. But, alas, if I don't rinse I will grow bacteria on my face (mostly because of sweating profusely at the gym) and once again have nasty dandruff all over it. So I must compromise. 

After doing some more research on other caveman-ers I've decided that I will rinse my face with COLD or room temperature BOTTLED water EVERY 3 DAYS. And I musn't overdue the rinse. Once over. Maybe twice over the dandruff-prone areas. And then fin.
Washing is like picking my face. It's so hard to stop myself, it's so hard to say "no", once I start there's no turning back...

Back to the plan: why I think it will work:

• dandruff forming bacteria will not be able to fester on my face
• bottled water will have no traces of chlorine, which may be drying out my skin in the shower
• the slightly warm shower may be drying out my face as well; so room temp or colder water will probably help retain the little moisture I have in my skin.
• Not rinsing my face everyday will let the oils have time to produce on my very dry skin.

IF MY SKIN IS STILL TIGHT AFTER A WEEK OF THIS NEW PLAN, I will rinse every five days or 7. Who knows. Whatever my skin wants. Right now it just wants to heal.

Having this new plan has given me back some hope with this regimen. Well this plan, but also asking the questions: do I want to go back to having to moisturise my face multiple times a day? Do I want to have to be OCD about my skin -- nothing can touch it and I mean NOTHING? Do I want to avoid pools and the ocean and rainy days because they make my skin chapped? DO I WANT TO BE A SLAVE TO MY SKIN? DO I WANT TO FEEL DEPRESSED EVERY TIME I SEE MY SKIN IN THE MIRROR? DO I WANT TO BE HAPPY POSSIBLY, FINALLY?

NO NO NO NO NO AND YES to the last one :)

I've realised that the caveman regimen might take months to a year for me because I've inflicted so much damage upon it. One big doubt monster I have lurking in my mind is: "you've ruined your skin's collagen and elasticity; it will never normalise; you have brought ageing upon your skin at 21; it is only downhill from here". 

I can only hope for the best. Plus I'd rather give the caveman a try for a year so at least I can say I've tried EVERYTHING before signing my life away to skincare products and dry flaky pimply skin.

That's the positivity in me speaking. It's oh so fucking hard to keep that voice talking.

That's the first time I swore in my posts. I was trying to not out of respect for my viewers. But, I have no viewers. So I don't care anymore. I don't care about my sentence structure either. Or grammar. Nobody is reading this. So I've stopped editing... a while ago.

:(

I also picked/scratched my zits today. It started an hour ago. I was bored and tired and stressed. I sat in front of a mirror in agony wanting to pop this big zit on my cheek but constantly stopping myself. I ended up compromising with myself. Talking myself into letting myself just gently scratch some blackheads off. I did this to multiple sections on my face. They are really irritated now. 3 times I tried to get myself to leave the bathroom. The 4th time I did because I knew popping zits would start very shortly after I had scratched everything I fancied to scratch off. Popping gives me scars and a bunch of zits a week later.

Anyways, I started setting goals for myself. Every week I go without picking I'm going to reward myself with a gift I'd like. Nothing extravagant. Just something I know I'd like enough to make myself want to not pick so I can reward myself with it. An example is a spa back massage :O (I guess this one is extravagant -- it'll be 8 weeks though! I deserve it :)  ). This ones the gift for week 8, the week I'm guessing that my bacne will be long gone (I don't want the massage or massage oils to irritate existing acne). Oh, I'm so excited! I've never had a professional massage!

Anywho, I'm not counting today's scratching against myself; I did get myself away from the mirror before I popped anything. I can't be too hard on myself. I am making progress. I will be stopping the scratching though. Because any touching does not make my skin any better. I have to remind myself that. 

I just scratched my collar bone. But in a way that was feeling for bumps (I wasn't itchy). Old habits die hard. I am so stressed out too.

I KEEP DOING IT.

Okay. I am stopping. I mean it.

My face is burning.

Oh! This isn't fun :(

I'll report back to you, Internet, the next time something happens. Which will probably be soon, Internet. If you have noticed the trend...

-Cavewoman

P.S. I haven't posted any pictures because my face hasn't changed. I will as soon as it does. HOPEFULLY FOR THE BETTER!! :P


P.P.S. I guess some people are reading this because someone copy and pasted my definition of the caveman regimen as their own a couple days ago! Hmm. Maybe I will write my future posts better. Maybe.